Lonely day motions

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“She’s surrounded
by beautiful, kind, sweet, warm people who love her dearly
but also by her thoughts.
Her days are distracted by the pacing that goes on in her head. Back and forth she travels in her mind wondering if she’s as alone as she feels; in her pain, in her struggles, in her mindset.
She slowly sinks into her circumstances and soon learns the power that the mind can have. Because she now longs for that alone space. Now her messy thoughts become the place she feels safest and that’s a dangerous road to travel.”

Once upon a time I was alone, or at least that’s what it felt like.

Once upon a time the presence of other’s could not shake the feelings of loneliness that held me with a tight grip.

As I’ve shared before, I knew God from a very young age. I knew He was REAL and ALL POWERFUL and GREAT but my depiction of Him was not at all accurate. I always pictured Him as a distant God, a God who sat on His throne just watching his creation and waiting for them to determine their own fate, a God who wasn’t at all involved and too high and mighty to stand up from His throne to pursue me.

So in my loneliest of times, unlike others, I never had the question “Where’s God?” because I thought I already knew the answer. “Sitting on His throne waiting for me to determine my own fate”.

I’d sink into my thoughts and allow myself to suck out the color around me. Then I’d get comfortable, set up camp and SULK in my feelings.

I didn’t realize in those moments that God wasn’t distant at all, in fact He was right next to me when I needed Him most, despite the fact that I didn’t feel it. I didn’t realize that everything in my being was just crying out for relationship, that the void couldn’t be filled by external things.

I’ve never walked alone
and I’ll never have to.

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Turning to God didn’t mean I won’t ever feel lonely again but it did mean that I was aware of He who walks alongside me. If I’m really honest, even when surrounded by people, even while I know that I am known and loved , I still go through the lonely day motions. I’ve actually gone through the motions quite recently.

But now during those dark days

There’s a surplus of beauty.

I may turn away from it

but my eyes can’t unsee it and my heart can’t unfeel it.

And now when there’s pain, there’s also knowledge

& certainty

of a God who is who He says He is and does what He says He’ll do.

Of a God who is close, SO CLOSE.

Of a God who stretches out a hand in my direction, whispers my name, and lays down His heart to cover mine.

& that makes all the difference.

Maybe you can relate somehow.

Maybe you see God as a distant, uninvolved being, maybe you’re sinking in the ocean of your thoughts, maybe everything in you is begging for relationship with your Father, maybe you’re going through the lonely day motions or listening to lonely day blues or maybe you can’t hear His voice as clearly as you did in the last season and are doubting He is still close.

Wherever you may find yourself just know that you were never meant to walk alone and that He will forever stand up from His throne to chase after you, time and time again.

What a love!

 

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